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2007/08/29

Quote of the Day

[B]ut, if you've ever solicited sex in public toilets, you'll know that, if your solicitation is successful, the sex usually takes place in said toilets.

-Mark Steyn

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Now playing: Cat Power - He Turns Down
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2007/08/26

Repeal the 19th Amendment!

My female friends who like to style themselves as intelligent and witty conversationalists need to watch this video. This is what men really want from women.



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Now playing: Emerson, Lake & Palmer - Karn Evil 9: 2nd Impression
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2007/08/23

Song of the Day: "Talkin' Leads to Touchin'"



There's blood in my mouth 'cause I've been biting my tongue all week
I keep on talkin' trash but I never say anything
And the talkin' leads to touchin'
and the touchin' leads to sex
and then there is no mystery left

And It's bad news
Baby I'm bad news
I'm just bad news, bad news, bad news

I know I'm alone if I'm with or without you
but just bein' around you offers me another form of relief
When the loneliness leads to bad dreams
and the bad dreams lead me to callin' you
and I call you and say "C'MERE!"

And it's bad news
Baby I'm bad news
I'm just bad news, bad news, bad news

And it's bad news
Baby it's bad news
It's just bad news, bad news, bad news

'Cause you're just damage control
for a walking corpse like me - like you

'Cause we'll all be
Portions for foxes
Yeah we'll all be
Portions for foxes

There's a pretty young thing in front of you
and she's real pretty and she's real into you
and then she's sleepin' inside of you
and the talkin' leads to touchin'
then touchin' leads to sex
and then there is no mystery left

And it's bad news
I don't blame you
I do the same thing
I get lonely too

And you're bad news
My friends tell me to leave you
That you're bad news, bad news, bad news

That you're bad news
Baby you're bad news
and you're bad news
Baby you're bad news
and you're bad news
I don't care I like you
and you're bad news
I don't care I like you
I like you



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Now playing: Stars - Sleep Tonight
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Quote of the Day

Most teenage females poop before getting into the shower. They do not flush before hand because they believe that the poop water will come out the shower head. After the shower they are so busy wrapping 20 towels around them that they forget they left a log in the toilet...

Sad, but true.

-DarthVong

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2007/08/22

Quote of the Day

Stormy: So, say I put my brain in a robot body and there's a war. Robots versus humans. What side am I on?
-Sealab 2021

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Now playing: Stars - Soft Revolution
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Song of the Day: "Days that Go Unwritten

Despite being named after PJ Harvey's worst album, Uh Huh Her is the best band I've discovered this year.



You say that you’re broken
I just want to fix you
Tell me what to do, baby I will listen

Days that go unwritten
All the things you’re missin
Tell me what to do, and maybe I can fix it

Hollar if you want to, come on just
Say what you want to, you’re always disappearing
Hollar if you want to, come on just
Say what you want to, you’re always disappearing

(Say so, you want to)
(Say so, you want to )
(Hollar, you want to)
(Happy as one)

Still I believe you
I just wanna save you
Tell me what to do, maybe I will listen

Run Run if you want to
And you’ll find what you’re after
Tell me what to do, I’ll find all the answers

Hollar if you want to, come on just
Say what you want to, you’re always disappearing
Hollar if you want to, come on just
Say what you want to, you’re always disappearing

(Say so, you want to)
(Say so, you want to )
(Hollar, you want to)
(Happy as one)

Don’t’ know how long I’ve wasted my time
I only want to lie with you here
I never thought that you’d be so blind
Stay if you want and we’ll disappear


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Now playing: Stars - Soft Revolution
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2007/08/21

Paging Dr. Kafka -- You're Wanted on the White Courtesy Phone

Having run out of things to regulate in this world, China has decided to move on to the next.

Aug. 20-27, 2007 issue - In one of history's more absurd acts of totalitarianism, China has banned Buddhist monks in Tibet from reincarnating without government permission. According to a statement issued by the State Administration for Religious Affairs, the law, which goes into effect next month and strictly stipulates the procedures by which one is to reincarnate, is "an important move to institutionalize management of reincarnation." But beyond the irony lies China's true motive: to cut off the influence of the Dalai Lama, Tibet's exiled spiritual and political leader, and to quell the region's Buddhist religious establishment more than 50 years after China invaded the small Himalayan country. By barring any Buddhist monk living outside China from seeking reincarnation, the law effectively gives Chinese authorities the power to choose the next Dalai Lama, whose soul, by tradition, is reborn as a new human to continue the work of relieving suffering.

At 72, the Dalai Lama, who has lived in India since 1959, is beginning to plan his succession, saying that he refuses to be reborn in Tibet so long as it's under Chinese control. Assuming he's able to master the feat of controlling his rebirth, as Dalai Lamas supposedly have for the last 600 years, the situation is shaping up in which there could be two Dalai Lamas: one picked by the Chinese government, the other by Buddhist monks. "It will be a very hot issue," says Paul Harrison, a Buddhism scholar at Stanford. "The Dalai Lama has been the prime symbol of unity and national identity in Tibet, and so it's quite likely the battle for his incarnation will be a lot more important than the others."




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Commissioner Gordon Won't Be Happy About This

Is it really a hot idea for police chiefs to have dope dealing strippers for wives?

Narcotics detectives arrested the wife of the Wendover police chief while investigating drug sales at the club where she strips.

Sylvia Tripp, 39, was booked Friday morning into the Elko County, Nev., jail on suspicion of two counts of drug distribution and one count of possessing medication without a prescription. She was released the same day after posting $15,000 bail. Formal charges have not been filed.

Tripp is the wife of Wendover, Utah, police Chief Vaughn Tripp, who did not immediately return a phone message left Tuesday morning.

Craig Ronzone, commander of Elko County's drug task force, said Sylvia Tripp was one of three people arrested early Friday in a drug sting. Sylvia Tripp works as a stripper at the club Southern X-Posure in West Wendover, Nev., and sold drugs there to undercover officers, Ronzone said.

Sylvia Tripp, stage name "Ecstasy," sold prescription pain relievers including oxycodone and morphine tablets, Ronzone said.

"She was a drug store," Ronzone said.


Well, she's a stripper, so she must at least be hot. Right?



Oh.

Well, she's better looking than her sister Linda.

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Now playing: Marion Raven - Gotta Be Kidding
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Dwarf + Vacuum + Penis + Super Glue + Emergency Room = Plateful of Fried Gold

Is there anything funnier than a circus sideshow gone horribly awry?

Daniel Blackner, or "Captain Dan the Demon Dwarf", was due to perform at the Circus of Horrors at the festival known for its oddball, offbeat performances.

The main part of his act saw him appear on stage with a vacuum cleaner attached to his member through a special attachment.

The attachment broke before the performance and Blackner tried to fix it using extra-strong glue, but unfortunately only let it dry for 20 seconds instead of the 20 minutes required.

He then joined it directly to his organ. The end result? A solid attachment, laughter, mortification and ... hospitalisation.

"It was the most embarrassing moment of my life when I got wheeled into a packed AE with a vacuum attached to me," Blackner said.

"I just wished the ground could swallow me up. Luckily, they saw me quickly so the embarrassment was short-lived."


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Now playing: Veruca Salt - Seether
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Bow Down to Your Blue-Eyed Overlords

Scientists have finally proven my inherent intellectual superiority.

PEOPLE with blue eyes are likely to achieve more in life than those with brown, say US scientists.

Scientists who conducted the tests said brown-eyed people performed better at reaction time, but those with lighter eyes appeared to be better strategic thinkers, the Daily Mail reported.

Brown-eyed people succeeded in activities such as football and hockey, but lighter-eyed participants proved to be more successful in activities that required skills in time structuring and planning such as golf, cross-country running and studying for exams, the scientists said.

Louisville University professor Joanna Rowe, who conducted the tests, said the results suggested an unexplored link between eye colour and academic achievement.

"It is just observed, rather than explained," she said.


Eat it, you brown-eyed biznitches.


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Laughing at Death

There's a TV station out there that should really consider hiring Craig Kilborn as a newscaster -- at least he can keep a straight face while reading the news. Even something as hi-larious as a fatal car crash



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Now playing: The Organ - No One Has Ever Looked So Dead
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2007/08/20

Quote of the Day

Spike: Uh, listen Jet. You said bell peppers and beef. There's no beef in here. So you wouldn't really call it bell peppers and beef, now would you?

Jet: Yes, I would.

Spike: Well, it's not.

-Cowboy Bebop

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Now playing: Uh Huh Her - Say So (Thom Russo Mix)
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Song of the Day: "Sixteen Military Wives"



Sixteen military wives
Thirty-two softly focused brightly colored eyes
Staring at the natural tan
of thirty-two gently clenching wrinkled little hands
Seventeen company men
Out of which only twelve will make it back again
Sergeant sends a letter to five
Military wives, whose tears drip down through ten little eyes

Cheer them on to their rivals
Cause America can, and America can't say no
And America does, if America says it's so
It's so!

And the anchorperson on TV goes...
La de da de da

Fifteen celebrity mimes
Leading their fifteen sordid wretched checkered lives
Will they find the solution in time
Using their fifteen pristine moderate liberal minds?

Eighteen academy chairs
Out of which only seven really even care
Doling out the garland to five
Celebrity minds, they're humbly taken by surprise

Cheer them on to their rivals
Cause America can, and America can't say no
And America does, if America says it's so
It's so!

And the anchorperson on TV goes...
La de da de da de-dadedade-da
La de da de da de-dadedade-da

Fourteen cannibal kings
Wondering blithely what the dinner bell will bring
Fifteen celebrity mimes
Served on a leafy bed OF sixteen military wives

Cheer them on to their rivals
Cause America can, and America can't say no
And America does, if America says it's so
It's so!

And the anchorperson on TV goes...
La de da de da de-dadedade-da
La de da de da de-dadedade-da


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Now playing: Rilo Kiley - It's a Hit
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Taking the Second Amendment Literally

So Orlando, Florida was holding one of those gnu amnesties where thugs are allowed to turn in old guns they don't want anymore in exchange for prizes, and someone showed up with a missile launcher that he "found" in his garden shed.



The shoulder-fired weapon showed about 6 p.m. when an Ocoee man drove to the Florida Citrus Bowl to trade the 4-foot-long launcher for size-3 Reebok sneakers for his daughter.

"I didn't know what to do with it, so I brought it here," explained the man, who said he found the missile in a shed he tore down last week. "I took it to three dumps to try to get rid of it, and they told me to get lost."


Somewhere Charlton Heston is smiling right now. Of course, it could just be that he's getting creamed corn tonight instead of strained carrots.

But wait, there's more.

And each gun came with a story never to be told.

"No questions asked, right?" asked one man, who questioned the promise of anonymity for everyone turning in a gun.

"Absolutely," said deputies, who described the fellow as looking like an old biker.

Moments later, he returned with a plastic bag and extracted what deputies described as a portable crime scene worth a five-year mandatory minimum sentence in federal prison. The homemade, 40-shot assault pistol turned out to be a cut-down rifle with an illegal short barrel.

"That would scare the pants off you," Rollins said.


Only if you're a namby-pamby librul. Us patriots are more dismayed that all these people are turning in arsenals that will come in handy during the eventual civil war that will be caused by Chelsea Clinton and Jenna Bush vying for control of this country.

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Now playing: The Decemberists - The Sporting Life
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Another Woman Who Never Should've Spread Her Legs

Next time you hear some over-privileged ass-wipe whining about how horrible his parents are, slap the brat and show him this story.

An Indianapolis woman charged with allowing her three-year-old son to wander onto a busy highway is pleading guilty to three counts of neglect. In court, Dyer told the judge she was overwhelmed and not supervising the children the way she should.

"She realized she was going to get convicted. She stepped up. She accepted responsibility and that is at least a start in the right direction," Marion County Prosecutor Carl Brizzi said.

Nancy Dyer, 31, was arrested December 30th after stunned motorists found her son, Damon, running on Interstate 465 on the city's northwest side, wearing only a diaper and a T-shirt. He wasn't hurt.

Police claim Dyer didn't even know her son was missing. They found her apartment in disarray, feces smeared on the walls, no beds for the children, and a 2-year-old girl eating spaghetti from the floor.


But the sprogs survive, so there's a chance that they'll go on to spread her idiot-genes to the next generation. In fact, I bet a thousand quatloos that the son will knock up a girl by the time he's 16, and the girl will pop one out when she's 15. Remember -- there's no evidence that intelligence has any evolutionary value.

Oh, the best part:

Dyer, who is pregnant, will return to court in six weeks on August 20th for sentencing.


Awesome. Totally freakin' awesome.

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Now playing: The Decemberists - The Sporting Life
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Fucked to Death by a Camel

If you thought the drunk guy getting eaten by bears was hi-larious, wait until you read this one:

An Australian woman was killed by a pet camel given to her as a 60th birthday present after the animal apparently tried to have sex, police said Sunday.

The woman, whose name was not released, was killed Saturday at her family's sheep and cattle ranch near Mitchell, 350 miles west of the Queensland state capital Brisbane, state police Detective Senior Constable Craig Gregory said.

The 10-month-old male camel — weighing about 330 pounds — knocked the woman to the ground, lay on top of her, then exhibited what police suspect was mating behavior, Gregory said.

"I'd say it's probably been playing, or it may be even a sexual sort of thing," Gregory said, adding the camel almost suffocated the family's pet goat by straddling it on several occasions.

Camel expert Chris Hill said he had no doubt the camel's behavior was sexual.

Hill, who has offered camel rides to tourists for 20 years, said young camels are not aggressive, but can be dangerous if treated as pets without discipline.


There is no part of this story I don't find funny. I need help.


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Now playing: Sleepthief & Kirsty Hawkshaw - The Chauffeur
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Beer not Bear

What could be funnier than a drunk? A drunk who gets eaten by bears at the zoo.

A 23-year old Serb was found dead and half-eaten in the bear cage of Belgrade Zoo at the weekend during the annual beer festival.

The man was found naked, with his clothes lying intact inside the cage. Two adult bears, Masha and Misha, had dragged the body to their feeding corner and reacted angrily when keepers tried to recover it.

"There's a good chance he was drunk or drugged. Only an idiot would jump into the bear cage," zoo director Vuk Bojovic told Reuters.


The take-home lesson here -- don't have beer fests at zoos.

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Now playing: Jeanne Cherhal - La famille
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2007/08/18

This Girl Is a Woman Now

For the "crooks are dumb" file:

A man hoping to score some meth asked the wrong person for the drug. The Eugene police vice narcotics unit had searched an apartment on Monday night and were questioning the tenant when a man came by and asked to buy drugs, Sgt. Jerry Webber said.

As detectives stood around with their badges hanging from their necks and latex gloves on their hands, the man asked the tenant, "Can you hook me up?" Webber said.

The tenant was seated on the couch with handcuffs around his wrists. A detective was writing him a citation.

The tenant said, "I don't think I can help you," Webber recalled, but the visitor persisted. He then allegedly turned to a detective and asked him for meth.

The detective told the visitor, James Wilkinson, 34, of Eugene, he was under arrest for attempted possession of methamphetamine.

Wilkinson tried to run, but officers grabbed him, Webber said.

They found a small amount of marijuana in his possession, Webber said.

Officers cited the tenant, Gary Puckett, 58, for possessing meth and for endangering the welfare of a 15-year-old girl who was in the apartment.


Gary Puckett? I must've missed an episode of Behind the Music. I guess the state-fair circuit for washed-up '60s musical group must be really rough.

They also arrested a man who walked into the apartment carrying seven baggies of meth, Webber said.

A fourth man showed up at the apartment carrying an illegal butterfly knife, Webber said. He told police he had come to tell Puckett not to sell drugs to his girlfriend. He left with a citation for carrying a concealed weapon.

After that, police stopped answering the door, Webber said.


You know, if the crooks in Carl Hiaasen novels are smarter than you, you need help.

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Now playing: Old Crow Medicine Show with Davis Rawlings - Wagon Wheel
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So Wrong

The most disgusting, reprehensible paintings since Upton Pickman's death, were on display in LA this week. This is the least disturbing picture from the show:



Much, much worse can be seen here. Definitely not work-safe -- probably not safe anywhere.


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Now playing: The Decemberists - Bandit Queen (w/DT)
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A Case for Prison Rape

This is absolutely disgusting.

Authorities allege Avion Lawson, 14, and Nathan Walker, 16, were among a group of about 10 masked suspects who forced their way into the woman's apartment in a crime-ridden housing project the night of June 18.

[...]

"Any rape case is horrible but this takes it to another level, something you can't think of even in your worst dreams," police spokesman Ted White said.

According to the police report, a man knocked on the woman's door at about 9 p.m. and told her he had a flat tire. The mother and son, whom police have not identified, went outside and were ambushed by a group of gun-wielding suspects.

The victims told police they were forced back into their home and beaten and sexually assaulted. According to authorities, the men raped, sodomized and beat the woman, then forced her son to participate in the assault at gunpoint, making him have sex with his mother in front of them.

The boy was then beaten and had numerous household cleaning liquids poured into his eyes, according to the police report.

[...]

Walker made a first court appearance on Friday, after which his father, also named Nathan Walker, spoke briefly.

"My son has a good heart," the elder Walker said outside court. "I can't believe my son would do something like this. I don't teach my son violence so I don't understand."


If this is what the father considers a good heart, I'd hate to see what he thinks constitutes "rotten to the core". I hope these guys go to prison and get passed around like a joint at Woodstock.

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In Arkansas "Child Bride" Isn't Just a Saying

What happens when you live in a state where even the law-makers are barely literate? Well, for one thing the legislature accidentally abolishes the minimum marriage age.

A law passed this year allows Arkansans of any age - even infants - to marry if their parents agree, and the governor may have to call a special session to fix the mistake, lawmakers said Friday.

The legislation was intended to establish 18 as the minimum age to marry but also allow pregnant teenagers to marry with parental consent, bill sponsor Rep. Will Bond said. An extraneous "not" in the bill, however, allows anyone who is not pregnant to marry at any age if the parents allow it.

"It's clearly not the intent to allow 10-year-olds or 11-year-olds to get married," Bond said. "The legislation was screwed up."

The bill reads: "In order for a person who is younger than eighteen (18) years of age and who is not pregnant to obtain a marriage license, the person must provide the county clerk with evidence of parental consent to the marriage."

A code revision commission - which fixes typographical and technical errors in laws - had tried to correct the mistake, but a group of legislators said Friday the commission went beyond its powers.

"You're either pregnant or you're not pregnant," Sen. Dave Bisbee said. "Rarely will that be a typographical error."


Oh God, if only Tennessee Williams and Elia Kazan were alive for this.

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Now playing: Patti Smith - When Doves Cry
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2007/08/17

2007/08/14

Quote of the Day

John: You will not note my Father's Word, nor remember Cass's camera, but you will not forget what we did here.

-John from Cincinatti

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Song of the Day: "According to Plan"

I Love You But I've Chosen Darkness has the best band name ever. Their music's not too bad, either.



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Now playing: Neko Case - Hex
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Sweet, Sweet Evil

Watching Big Love last night, I was struck by just how good Daveigh Chase is at playing evil. Playing Samara in The Ring is enough to put her in the horror pantheon with Karloff, Lugosi, and Vincent Price, but her role of Rhonda Volmer, the opportunistic teenager who'll lie to and blackmail anyone to get her way, is a much subtler wickedness. And she's only 17 -- I knew girls in high school who could pull off that level of evilosity, but it's quite exceptional.

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Now playing: The Kills - Rodeo Town
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Everything Zen

Forget the Hells Angels -- Japanese bikers are freakin' hardcore.

A Japanese biker failed to notice his leg had been severed below the knee when he hit a safety barrier, and rode on for 2 km (1.2 miles), leaving a friend to pick up the missing limb.

The 54-year-old office worker was out on his motorcycle with a group of friends in the city of Hamamatsu, west of Tokyo, on Monday, when he was unable to negotiate a curve in the road and bumped into the central barrier, the Mainichi Shimbun said.

He felt excruciating pain, but did not notice that his right leg was missing until he stopped at the next junction, the paper quoted local police as saying.

The man and his leg were taken to hospital, but the limb had been crushed in the collision, the paper said.


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Now playing: Air - Mike Mills
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Now playing: The Kills - Rodeo Town
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2007/08/12

Obligatory "Fowl Play" Pun

Looks like Lindsay Lohan has a soul-mate waiting for her in Germany.

Three hundred chickens died in panic early on Sunday when a drunken German teenager on a joyride crashed a van into their shed, police said.

"Apparently some of the chickens were so desperate to get away that they ran into the wall and died," the spokesman said. "Others suffered heart attacks."


Remember that last paragraph the next time some PETA maniac starts ranting about the Chicken Holocaust conducted by Purdue and Tysons. Chickens are quite possibly dumber than cockroaches.

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From Penthouse to Gutter in 4.5 Seconds, or Serioulsy, Go to Rehab

It seems that Amy Winehouse is going for the world's record on Shortest Episode of VH1's Behind the Music.

Amy Winehouse had reportedly took a combination of drugs and alcohol over three days of partying on the run-up to her hospitalisation on Wednesday morning.

A source told the Sun that the bender started on Monday afternoon as soon as Amy arrived back from her recent run of gigs in the US: "It was like she had pressed the self-destruct button. She had been downing coke, pills and ketamine, vodka and Jack Daniel’s. Even Amy says she will be dead within one year."

[...]

The source added: "she thinks all this stuff is romantic. She uses the word 'Byronic' - but for everyone else it’s terrifying."


And if you think this is just tabloid gossiping, check out these before-and-after pics of her -- she looks like she stepped out of Auschwitz.



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"Flash Ahhhhhhh-ahhhhhhhhhh!"

So the Sci Fi Channel has decided that since their reimagined Battlestar Galactica has been so successful, they should try giving other SF franchises a makeover, picking Flash Gordon as their first target. The problem is that the original BSG was a pile of cheese the size of Montana, only fondly remembered by people who were under the age of 12 when it first aired, and so their was a lot of room for improving the original material. Not so with Flash -- the basic concept of a swashbuckling adventure in space is sound, and only needs a few tweaks to bring the technology up to modern standards. But that's not what Sci Fi did. No, they used reimagining as an excuse to cut everything that might make the show expensive to produce, no matter how integral it is to the coolness of the concept. I can just imagine the development meetings.

Executive 1: We need another franchise we can develop. Something with a lot of name recognition that'll be sure to draw viewers.

Executive 2: How about Flash Gordon?

Executive 1: Never heard of it. What does it entail.

Executive 2: Well, there's this guy named Flash, his girlfriend Dale, and the crazy Dr. Zarkoff, and they fly a spaceship to combat the evil--

Executive 1: Spaceship? That'd mean a lot of expensive special effects. We need something cheaper.

Executive 2: I guess we could have them travel by stargate.

Executive 1: Better, but a stargate means an expensive prop that we'll have to drag to locations. Can we do it with just special effects?

Executive 2: I suppose.

Executive 1: But nothing to costly. Maybe just a simple distortion.

Executive 2: Okay. So they'll use these stargates to travel to the planet Mongo--

Executive 1: Alien planets?

Exectuive 2: Yeah.

Executive 1: Okay. But it has to look like Canada.

Executive 2: Canada?

Executive 1: We'll spring for some special effects in the first episode to establish that it's another world -- maybe show some weird moons or something. Are there any aliens?

Executive 2: A whole planet full.

Executive 1: Just make sure they look human so we don't have to spring for any expensive makeup.

Executive 2: Not a problem. The Mongoans look human. Except the Hawkmen.

Executive 1: Hawkmen? Those sound expensive.

Executive 2: They're a major part of the story.

Executive 1: Okay, but keep the makeup cheap. Don't go covering their faces with feathers or anything.

Executive 2: So, Flash and his friends travel to Mongo via stargate to fight the evil Emperor Ming--

Executive 1: "Ming"? Sounds Japanese.

Executive 2: Yeah, I guess the original Ming was a bit Fu Manchu.

Executive 1: Can't have that.

Executive 2: But he's a the main villain -- people know the name like they know "Darth Vader".

Executive 1: Okay, tell you what -- we'll keep the name, but we'll get a white guy to play him. And instead of making him an evil Emperor, he'll just be a slimy politician.

Executive 2: So we have Flash and his friends traveling to Mongo to combat the slimy politician Ming who rules from the capital city--

Executive 1: Whoa, whoa, whoa! An alien city? That'll be way too expensive. Let's try to limit it to a few sets. And maybe we can keep most of the action on Earth, that way we don't have to spend a lot of money on alien-looking props. And maybe we can have alien devices look like ordinary objects -- like maybe a wristwatch could hold all the knowledge in the universe. Wouldn't that be cool?

Executive 2: I guess.

Executive 1: And of course we'll need lots of hot babes to attract our target demographic of males 13-35 who can't get a date on Friday nights.

Executive 2: Oh, there are lots of babes in the series. Dale Arden. Ming's daughter.

Executive 1: Is there a kick-ass female bounty hunter?

Executive 2: No, I don't think so.

Executive 1: There is now. I even know the perfect actress for the part: Karen Cliche.

Executive 2: Cliche?

Executive 1: Yeah. You don't like her?

Executive 2: No, it's just her name.

Executive 1: What's wrong with "Karen"?

Executive 2: Nothing.

Executive 1: I'm really loving this show. Built-in brand recognition, with the concept reinvigorated by us for more zip-zowie. It's a sure fire hit!


I've given just about every original series on the Sci Fi Channel a try, and this is the second worst piece of crap they've ever aired -- worse than Sliders, worse than The Third Wave, worse than Crossing Over with John Edward. The only thing keeping Flash in the penultimate position of awfulness is the monstrosity that was Black Scorpion.

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Now playing: Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds - O'Malley's Bar Part 1
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2007/08/11

Too Much Pussy

Okay, there is such a thing as too many cats.



Liz, Tasha, Alicia, I hope you're taking notes for when you become crazy cat ladies yourselves.

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Now playing: Camille - Ta douleur
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When It Says Libbys Libbys Libbys on the Label Label Label, You'll Have a Rodent Rodent Rodent in Your Meal Meal Meal

Now this is what I call "good eats"!

The FDA has confirmed that an object a Missouri woman found in a can of "Libby's" green beans is a cooked mouse.

"I screamed. I turned it over and it looked like two feet sticking up in the air," De Ann Smith said when the incident occurred in February.

"That shouldn't have been in my green beans."


Brilliant, Holmes!

An FDA report obtained under the Freedom of Information Act identifies the lump as a "headless and tail-less mouse that had been thermally processed," making the canned mouse, technically, safe to eat.

"We haven't had another can of green beans since," Smith said.

"I don't think we ever will."


I don't know why the woman's complaining -- it's free meat. During the Great Depression, this would've been like a Cracker Jack prize.

In an apology, Libby's mailed Smith coupons and checks for $150.


I bet she's going to use all those coupons!

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Now playing: Emm Gryner - Win The West
via FoxyTunes

"Energy Is, Is, It's nothing more than a lot of New Age Hokum Masquerading as Spirituality"

Tony Wilson, who co-founded Factory Records and thus gave Joy Division/New Order to the world, and who was the subject of Michael Winterbottom's 24-hour Party People, is dead.

The music mogul Tony Wilson has died aged 57 following a heart attack.

The former Factory Records boss had been diagnosed with kidney cancer last year, and had been undergoing treatment in hospital in Manchester.


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Now playing: Black 47 - Different Drummer
via FoxyTunes

No Queso

I wish I could find something stupid to sue a multi-billion dollar corporation for.

A Morgantown man, his mother and his friend are suing McDonald's for $10 million.

The man says he bit into a hamburger and had a severe allergic reaction to the cheese melted on it.

Jeromy Jackson, who is in his early 20s, says he clearly ordered two Quarter Pounders without cheese at the McDonald's restaurant in Star City before heading to Clarksburg.


Okay. Dude. Two quarter-pounders? McDonalds was trying to do us all a favor by killing you now before you become a burden on our health-care system.

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Now playing: Blonde Redhead - Dr. Strangeluv
via FoxyTunes

Hippie vs Coldplay: Whoever Wins, We Lose

There is no part of this story that isn't awesome.

It could have been the Coldplay song "Yellow" that upset the patron of a Wallingford neighborhood bar. Or perhaps it was the karaoke singer who belted it out.

Employees at Changes, on North 45th Street, said they don't know, but the ensuing melee just past 1 a.m. Thursday was one unlike anything seen at the bar before.

As soon as the man on stage started singing about the stars in his best Chris Martin impersonation, the woman reportedly said: "Oh, no, not that song. I can't stand that song!"

Witnesses said her distaste for Coldplay quickly took a violent turn, and she leaped at the would-be crooner, shouting expletives and telling him that his singing "sucked," while expressing the same opinion of the song, according to a Seattle police report.


Well who doesn't feel that way about Coldplay? Most of us just aren't so ... expressive with our opinion.

She pushed the man and punched him, all in an effort to stop his singing.

Other patrons went to the singer's aid and hauled the 21-year-old woman outside.

"It took three or four of us to hold her down," said Robert Willmette, one of the bartenders at Changes.

The woman, Willmette said, "went crazy" when she got outside, punching him twice in the face, and throwing blows at the others gathered around her.

But the person who drew most of the music critic's ire was an off-duty Seattle police officer. The off-duty officer identified herself as a cop, gave her badge number and had another patron call 911 to request help for an officer.

The response was fast and overwhelming, with both patrol officers and Gang Unit detectives converging on the normally tame neighborhood bar.


Note to Self: If I'm ever in a life threatening situation and want to get the cops to my house ASAP, mention that an officer needs help.

"They blocked the whole street off," Willmette said.

According to the police report, the woman's rage only grew when the uniformed officers arrived.

The officers took the woman, whom Willmette described as "a little hippie girl," to the ground, but she was still able to head butt the off-duty officer several times before she was handcuffed.


Ah, drunken psycho hippies. I sure hope Roman Polanski isn't married right now.

I'm just wondering how a tiny little tofu chick was able to take on all these bartenders and cops -- I'm guessing its as much to do with her odor of granola, pot, and lack of bathing, as much as any physical prowess.

She was also held on a warrant issued for a previous theft charge.


A hippie who steals shit? Say it's not so!

Free Waterfall Jr.: You can't own property, man!

Professor Farnsworth: I can, but that's because I'm not a penniless hippie.


The off-duty officer also went to the hospital, for treatment of several cuts, scrapes and bruises.

Later Thursday morning, bar employees were shaking their heads over the woman's bizarre behavior.

According to the night bartender's notes, she had just one drink -- a single shot of J├Ągermeister.


That's all it takes if you're a dirty hippie freak who's already doped to the eyeballs on goofballs and LDS.

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Now playing: Emm Gryner - Crystal Falls
via FoxyTunes

2007/08/10

Making Lionel Hutz Look Competent

The defense attorney in a kidnapping case where his client faces life in prison, shows up to court an hour and a half late, obviously woozy, and with a skank ho in tow. What's his explanation?

Lawyer: It was a hit and run, your honor.

Judge: So you called the police, obviously.

Lawyer: I did not, your honor. I'm not in favor of dialing 911.

Judge: Even when your the victim of a hit and run?

[Long pause]

Lawyer: Philosophically, judge, I never call the police.




The judge questions the skank ho, and discovers she's not his girlfriend, as he previously claimed, but in fact some random girl he saw in the food court.



The prosecutors get in touch with the cops and find that the defense lawyer's car is indeed where he said it was, though it wasn't rear-ended as he claimed but instead has front-end damage, and is registered to a man who's currently in prison.



The judge orders the lawyer to take a breathalyzer test, but he resists, claiming the judge has no authority. After being in court for two hours, his BAC comes back as .075. Judge is not well pleased.




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Now playing: The Cinematics - Break
via FoxyTunes

2007/08/09

"No Real Than You Are"

A seaside resort in Europe. An employee in a kiosk spots a mysterious object floating in the sea. People go out to investigate and find a mysterious object of cycloplean dimensions[1], which they drag to shore.

The start of a scifi film? No, something that happened in the Netherlands.

The object in question?



Mega Lego Man.

[1] Okay, two meters tall isn't exactly cyclopean ... until you consider the size of regular Lego Men. A child of the same scale as the giant Lego Man would be over a hundred feet tall.

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Now playing: Lizzie West - Sometime
via FoxyTunes

Banned from the USA

America's standards have really fallen. Used to be rock stars had to be commie symps to draw the ire of the US government. Now punching a photographer in London will get your visa revoked.

Pop star Lily Allen has had her US working visa revoked after being stopped at Los Angeles airport.

The singer was detained for five hours and questioned over her arrest in March for an alleged assault on a photographer in London.

She had flown into the US from Australia to attend tonight's MTV video music awards launch in Las Vegas.

Her spokesman said of the incident on Sunday: "Lily was questioned and her work visa was revoked. She was detained for five hours but not strip searched. Understandably she was upset by it."


Well, there's a simple solution to her problem -- she needs to marry an American for the duration of her tour. And let me be the first to volunteer. But she has to promise to wear the panda suit on our wedding night.



Does it make me a furry if I find that picture hot?



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Now playing: Rose Smith - Innocent
via FoxyTunes

Sicko II: The Cut-Rate Vasectormy

Does this qualify for a Darwin Award?

When conventional medical professionals refused to remove a 62-year-old local man's testicles, police said he turned to mysterious "professionals" to relieve what he called chronic pain.

Now police want to find the fly-by-night surgeons.

"I have never in my life seen anything quite like that," said St. Paul police spokesman Tom Walsh.

According to a search warrant affidavit filed Monday in Ramsey County District Court, the man complained of chronic pain and turned to conventional medical personnel to remove his testicles.

When they refused, the 62-year-old man said he hired other "professionals" to do the surgery. He would not tell officers who they were, saying he didn't want to get them into trouble.

Police said a couple of weeks ago, two or three people operated on the man in his home. He was unconscious. When he woke up, his testicles were gone. So were his "professionals."

His groin area was bleeding heavily, so he called his daughter. She called for help.


Well, he already reproduced, so I guess not.

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Now playing: Black 47 - Three Little Birds
via FoxyTunes

The Least Pervy Priest in Colorado

Normal people who want to stay cool while jogging might wear jogging shorts and a tank top. Not Father Robert Whipkey. Oh no. Shorts are too hot.

A Catholic priest faces an indecent exposure charge after police said he went jogging in the nude about an hour before sunrise.

The Rev. Robert Whipkey told officers he had been running naked at a high school track and didn't think anyone would be around at that time of day, a police report said.

He told officers he sweats profusely if he wears clothing while jogging. "I know what I did was wrong," he said in the report.

[...]

If convicted of indecent exposure, a misdemeanor, he would have to register as a sex offender, prosecutors said.


Wow, he'll be the Solomon Grundy of the Catholic Legion of Doom.

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Now playing: Tori Amos - Waitress
via FoxyTunes

2007/08/08

Star Trek: The Actuarial Analysis

What did people with too much time on their hands do before the Internets? With out tubes in which to stick their statistical analyses of crew deaths aboard the USS Enterprise, how did they share their conclusions with the world?

It was found that red-shirted crewmembers tended to die in groups. In 17 red-shirt fatality episodes, 8 were multiple incidents, 9 were single incidents. In a little less than 50% of the fatal red-shirt situations, multiple crewmen were vaporized.

Q: What factors could increase/decrease the survival rate of red-shirted crewmen?

Besides not getting involved in fights, which usually proved fatal, the crewmen could avoid beaming down to the planet's surface, which is inherent to their end. However, that could result in a court-martial for failure to obey orders.

Besides not beaming down, another factor that showed to increase the survival rate of the red-shirts was the nature of the relationship between the alien life and captain Kirk. When Captain Kirk meets an alien woman and "makes contact" the survival rate of the red-shirted crewmen increases by 84%. In fact, out of Captain Kirks' 24 "relationships" there were only three instances of red-shirt vaporization.

The caveat to this is when Captain Kirk not only meets the local alien women, but also starts a fight among alien locals. The combination of these events has led to the elimination of 4 crewmembers (3 red-shirts).

Here are the statistics:
Red Shirt Death episodes = 18
Episodes with fights = 55
Probability of a fight breaking out = 70%
Kirk "conquest" episodes = 24
Kirk "conquest" + fights = 16
Kirk "conquest" + red shirt casualty= 4
Red shirt death + fight + Kirk "conquest" = 3

And the data trends;
Probability of a red-shirt casualty= 53%
14% of fights ended in a fatality (with a 72% chance the fatality wore a red shirt)
Probability of a red-shirt "incident" when Kirk has a "conquest" = 12%

The red-shirt survival rate is slightly higher when Kirk meets women than when a fight breaks out. This trend necessitates the question: How often did Captain Kirk "meet" women? In 30% of the missions.

As the data shows, Captain Kirk "making contact" with alien women has an impact on the crew's survival. The red-shirt death rate is higher when a fight breaks out than when Kirk meets a woman and a fight breaks out. Yet the analysis shows that meeting Kirk meeting women only happens in 30% of the missions.


I think there are some flaws in the analysis -- he looks at the number of red-shirt deaths in comparison to gold and blue-shirts, which doesn't really mean much since the red tunics indicate engineering and security officers. Of course security personnel are going to die in higher numbers than the scientists and medical technicians. The real question isn't how many red-shirts die, or what percentage of missions include a red-shirt death, but what percentage of red-shirts survive. In the episodes where no red-shirts die, how many of them are on the mission? And when they do die, what percentage of them bite it?




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Now playing: Snow Patrol - Run
via FoxyTunes

2007/08/07

Giving New Meaning to "Do Not Enter"

This country is full of deviated preverts.

Sioux Falls police Tuesday arrested a 60-year-old man for burglary and for what they suspect is at least two years worth of videotaped public sex acts.

Verle Peter Dills was arrested at his home, 2613 W. Bailey St., after a man who lives in the 1200 block of North Kiwanis Avenue chased Dills out of his yard Monday evening, police spokesman Loren McManus said.

The man saw Dills with a video camera and tripod and chased him for a short distance, McManus said.

Dills later returned with his camera and again was chased from the yard.

He was seen entering the garage of the home where he was staying, McManus said.

There, police found the video camera and a "large amount" of 8mm and VHS videotapes of Dills engaged in masturbation and sex acts with traffic signs near his home, McManus said.


Let us take a moment to consider that last sentence.

Sex acts.

With traffic signs.

How would you go even about doing that?

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Now playing: The Dandy Warhols - (You Come In) Burned
via FoxyTunes

Walking Is Bad for the Environment

You know that old joke about everything being bad for your health? Well, according to a scientist, health is bad for the environment.

Walking does more than driving to cause global warming, a leading environmentalist has calculated.

Food production is now so energy-intensive that more carbon is emitted providing a person with enough calories to walk to the shops than a car would emit over the same distance. The climate could benefit if people avoided exercise, ate less and became couch potatoes. Provided, of course, they remembered to switch off the TV rather than leaving it on standby.

The sums were done by Chris Goodall, campaigning author of How to Live a Low-Carbon Life, based on the greenhouse gases created by intensive beef production. “Driving a typical UK car for 3 miles [4.8km] adds about 0.9 kg [2lb] of CO2 to the atmosphere,” he said, a calculation based on the Government’s official fuel emission figures. “If you walked instead, it would use about 180 calories. You’d need about 100g of beef to replace those calories, resulting in 3.6kg of emissions, or four times as much as driving.


Because we all know, when people exercise less, they cut back their caloric intake so they won't get fat. A more rational response to these figures isn't that we should walk less, but we should eat less beef. When you consider that one of the knocks against ethanol is that increases the price of corn, which in turn raises the cost of beef, this is a double plus good situation -- we can use a cleaner fuel and simultaneously discourage people from eating an eco-unfriendly food.

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Now playing: Velvet Underground, The - I Heard Her Calling My Name
via FoxyTunes

Hello Kitty Makes Me Feel Shame

Once more, the Far East shows the West how to mete out justice.

BANGKOK, Thailand -- Thai police officers who break rules will be forced to wear hot pink armbands featuring "Hello Kitty," the Japanese icon of cute, as a mark of shame, a senior officer said Monday.

Police officers caught littering, parking in a prohibited area, or arriving late - among other misdemeanors - will be forced to stay in the division office and wear the armband all day, said Police Col. Pongpat Chayaphan. The officers won't wear the armband in public.

The striking armband features Hello Kitty sitting atop two hearts.

"Simple warnings no longer work. This new twist is expected to make them feel guilt and shame and prevent them from repeating the offense, no matter how minor," said Pongpat, acting chief of the Crime Suppression Division in Bangkok.


The most surprising part of the story is this:

Hello Kitty, invented by Sanrio Co. in 1974


Who knew Hello Kitty was that old?

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Now playing: Venus Hum - Hummingbirds
via FoxyTunes

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Now playing: Moby - You
via FoxyTunes

Francophobes

It's true. It's really true. Everyone hates the French. Even the French hate the French.

Fourty-four percent of French people think ill of themselves according to a poll by the International Herald Tribune and France 24 TV. Thirty-eight percent of Americans polled had a negative view of them, as did 33 percent of Brits, 29 of Spaniards, 25 of Italians and 14 of Germans.


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Now playing: Alanis Morissette - That I Would Be Good
via FoxyTunes

Quote of the Day

But let's not start the whole "renters are stupid" debate again. For example, I don't hold an adjustable rate mortgage for more than my house is worth.
-Tracer Bullet


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Now playing: Fiona Apple - Parting Gift
via FoxyTunes

2007/08/06

Song of the Day: Pogo



Yeah, woohoo,
There’s something in the air
There’s something in the air
There’s something in the airNow where has it been
I mean the good old wild days
Became a bit too lame
Just take a look at my place
It’s just such a mess
But i’ll be outta this space as soon as you tell where the night is
You have to set up
Bring it on
Forward!

Yeah, woohoo
there’s something in the air
woohoo
There’s something in the
Yeah, woohoo
There’s something in the air

It’s been quite of a while since i could experience your brightness
Now you’ve got a brighter smile and i think i’m going to like it
Talking ’bout the better things, you know how to maximize
Everything around you will become supersized
You have to set up
Away from
what matters
And get it prepared
Forward!

Yeah, woohoo
There’s something in the air
Woohoo There’s something in the
Yeah, woohoo
There’s something in the air
Yeah, Woohoo
There’s something in the air
Woohoo
‘Cause i’ve been dreaming we could be the fire for this night
Can’t stop

You have to set up

We could get so wasted if you would have come
(Bring it on)
We could get so wasted if you would have come
(Forward)
We could get so wasted if you would have come
(Set Up)
We could get so wasted if you would have come
(You have to set up)
We could get so wasted if you would have come
(Bring it on)
We could get so wasted if you would have come
(Forward)
We could get so wasted if you would have come
(Set Up)
We could get so wasted if you would have come
(You have to set up)

Quote of the Day

Inignot: Our god is a god of vengeance. A god of hate.

Err: A god of action!

Inignot: Our god is an Indian who can turn into a wolf.

-Aqua Teen Hunger Force

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Now playing: Postal Service, The - Recycled Air
via FoxyTunes

It's Made of Sheeple!

Study finds kids are stupid.

Preschoolers preferred the taste of burgers and fries when they came in McDonald's wrappers over the same food in plain wrapping, U.S. researchers said, suggesting fast-food marketing reaches the very young.

"Overwhelmingly, kids chose the one that they perceived was from McDonald's," said obesity prevention expert Dr. Thomas Robinson of the Stanford University School of Medicine, whose work appears in the Archives of Pediatrics & Adolescent Medicine.

[...]

Robinson and colleagues conducted a taste test with a total of 63 kids aged 3 to 5 who were enrolled in a Head Start preschool for low-income families.

They were offered five pairs of foods and asked if they tasted the same or to point to the one that tasted better.

The food -- taken from the same order -- was wrapped in either McDonald's packaging or unbranded packages in the same color and style.

In about 60 percent of the tastings, the kids preferred food in the McDonald's wrapper.

"They actually thought the food tasted better," Robinson said in a telephone interview.

[...]

"Even for baby carrots, kids said the carrots they thought were from McDonald's tasted better," Robinson said.

The same was true of milk.


But let's be fair to the kids -- the results probably wouldn't be that different adults, though you might have to use a different brand of wrapper.

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Now playing: Hope Sandoval & The Warm Inventions - Lose Me On The Way
via FoxyTunes

Welcome to the Age of Ubiquitous Surveillance

It was only a matter of time.

The remarkable speed of that investigation was repeated in June this year when terrorists attempted to detonate two car bombs in London.

Aided by surveillance cameras, British investigators began unraveling the plot later that day and tracked the suspects to Glasgow, Scotland. Several suspects were soon arrested.

Police officials credited the "Ring of Steel" -- a network of thousands of surveillance cameras that line London's intersections and neighborhoods -- for providing license plate numbers, suspects' image and other important clues in investigations.

New York City, specifically lower Manhattan, the site of two terror attacks, will have a similar system in place by the decade's end if it gets the needed funding.

Police officials say the surveillance cameras can help combat crime and terrorism, perhaps even deter it. Civil liberties advocates say such systems are a threat to privacy rights and another step for a society creeping toward a constant state of surveillance.


I can't wait until they get software to read license plates and feed them into a database that tracks where your car was when. Or even better, facial recognition software! Think about how safe you'll feel then. And at no cost to your privacy or liberty, because they're just tracking you in public, no different from having a police man follow you -- its just there can be a policeman for every person in the surveillance zone. Awesome. I bet there'll never be another terrorist attack again.

I love Big Brother.

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Now playing: Kevin Shields - City Girl
via FoxyTunes

Don't Touch It -- It's Stupid!

Have you ever seen such a comprehensive compendium of idiocy as this article?

Jacksonville resident Leeann Summerford, 22, said she would welcome technological advances such as voice-activated devices, but not more government regulation.

She said a ban on texting while driving is a "horrible idea."


Wow. I'm a libertarian and I support such regulations.

She said it takes only a few seconds to read a text message and then shoot back a five-word response. She doesn't text in heavy traffic or bad weather. In contrast, cell phone calls can go on for several minutes, and people also spend more time eating in cars than it takes for a text message, she said.

"How far are you going to take it?" she said of restrictions on what drivers can legally do.


Well, talking on a cellphones, at least without headsets, is illegal in many jurisdictions, and talking is something most people can do while driving. Typing, not so much.

Juanita Benitez, 26, of Jacksonville also said it's possible to text and drive safely at the same time. She said she can tap out messages without even looking down at her cell phone. But Benitez said she would support a ban on texting while driving because she thinks other drivers aren't are as skilled.


Well, she's half right.

Michael Bennett, 56, took the same stance. The Jacksonville resident said he regularly checks his BlackBerry for e-mail while driving on business trips, and occasionally types his own e-mails.

He said he usually tries to limit his BlackBerry use to when he's stopped at traffic lights.


And I usually use a wear a condom while having sex with poxy prostitutes in third world countries, so that makes me safe from AIDS, right?

Thankfully these morons are going to get themselves killed, hopefully before they spawn, but there's a good chance they'll take out some innocent bystanders.

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Now playing: Nine Inch Nails - Terrible Lie
via FoxyTunes

College Prep

Shocking, shocking news -- 22 year old men are amoral cads, and 15 year old girls will put out for guys who give them beer. What? You don't consider that news? How about if I told you it involves a ... Carney!!!



Er, no wait. Let me try that again. How about if I told you it involves a ... carny!!!




Police said they closed Brighton's Summerfest carnival Saturday afternoon after two of the carnival employees were arrested on charges of supplying alcohol to two local teenage girls.

Police said one of the employees allegedly had sex with a 15-year-old Brighton girl.


I am so going to hell for this one.

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Now playing: Rachel's - even/odd
via FoxyTunes

2007/08/05

We Need a Hero

This is what happens when you let comic-book geeks onto the police force.

For years, rumors of a rogue group of Milwaukee police officers known for brutalizing suspects have been circulating around the city. The group reportedly called itself the Punishers, a name that came from "The Punisher," a vigilante comic book, video game and film character, and many of its members were supposedly on hand at the Bay View party where Frank Jude Jr. was attacked in 2004.

t turns out that the group's existence may be more than a rumor, according to evidence presented Thursday during the sentencing hearing of fired officer Jon Bartlett on federal gun charges.

Bartlett, convicted last week in the Jude case, had an incriminating tattoo, while another convicted former officer, Andrew Spengler, had a Punisher decal on his car, according to Assistant U.S. Attorney Rick Frohling.

Frohling showed a photo of Bartlett's tattoo in court and said it pictures the same long-toothed skull emblazoned on the Punisher's body armor. The skull is inside a black spade. The tattoo also features the number seven, which Frohling said refers to Milwaukee Police District 7, where Bartlett used to work.

And one of the guns Bartlett illegally tried to buy was a civilian semiautomatic version of the P90 rifle, an automatic weapon sold only to law enforcement and the military that is the comic book Punisher's weapon of choice. No evidence of any other brutal acts by the group was presented at the hearing, which resulted in an 18-month prison term for Bartlett.


So what do these bad-ass, rogue police officers look like? Well, here's one.



Kinda underwhelming, but we can't all be Bruce Wayne.


None of the three received any psychological screening or had an oral interview before they were hired by the city. The Fire and Police Commission overhauled its psychological screening of prospective officers after the Journal Sentinel reported that Milwaukee was out of step with other cities.

Bartlett, hired by the city in 1999, got a job as a Milwaukee officer even though he was demoted by a university police department, received poor work reviews from the state Department of Natural Resources and was earlier convicted of fleeing police.


Proving yet again that faith in government is more irrational than a belief in God.



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Now playing: Keren Ann - Peut-être
via FoxyTunes

2007/08/03

Song of the Day: "I Was Lying in a Burned out Basement"

As much as I love Neil Young, I think Prelude's cover of "After the Goldrush" is superior to his original.



Well, I dreamed I saw the knights
In armor coming,
Saying something about a queen.
There were peasants singing and
Drummers drumming
And the archer split the tree.
There was a fanfare blowing
To the sun
That was floating on the breeze.
Look at Mother Nature on the run
In the nineteen seventies.
Look at Mother Nature on the run
In the nineteen seventies.

I was lying in a burned out basement
With the full moon in my eyes.
I was hoping for replacement
When the sun burst thru the sky.
There was a band playing in my head
And I felt like getting high.
I was thinking about what a
Friend had said
I was hoping it was a lie.
Thinking about what a
Friend had said
I was hoping it was a lie.

Well, I dreamed I saw the silver
Space ships flying
In the yellow haze of the sun,
There were children crying
And colors flying
All around the chosen ones.
All in a dream, all in a dream
The loading had begun.
They were flying Mother Nature's
Silver seed to a new home in the sun.
Flying Mother Nature's
Silver seed to a new home.

Quote of the Day

But my longstanding position is that the only possible defense of Gonzales against charges of villainy is rank incompetence.
-Jonah Goldberg

2007/08/02

Song of the Day: "The Bars Are Temples, but the Pearls Aren't Free"

Not many people know the origins of this song. "One Night in Bangkok" is a song from the musical Chess, an allegory of nuclear brinksmanship by Tim Rice and the two guys from ABBA.



[THE AMERICAN]
Bangkok, Oriental setting
And the city don't know that the city is getting
The creme de la creme of the chess world in a
Show with everything but Yul Brynner

Time flies -- doesn't seem a minute
Since the Tirolean spa had the chess boys in it
All change -- don't you know that when you
Play at this level there's no ordinary venue

It's Iceland -- or the Philippines -- or Hastings -- or --
or this place!

[COMPANY]
One night in Bangkok and the world's your oyster
The bars are temples but the pearls ain't free
You'll find a god in every golden cloister
And if you're lucky then the god's a she
I can feel an angel sliding up to me

[THE AMERICAN]
One town's very like another
When your head's down over your pieces, brother

[COMPANY]
It's a drag, it's a bore, it's really such a pity
To be looking at the board, not looking at the city

[THE AMERICAN]
Whaddya mean? Ya seen one crowded, polluted, stinking town --

[COMPANY]
Tea, girls, warm, sweet
Some are set up in the Somerset Maugham suite

[THE AMERICAN]
Get Thai'd! You're talking to a tourist
Whose every move's among the purest
I get my kicks above the waistline, sunshine

[COMPANY]
One night in Bangkok makes a hard man humble
Not much between despair and ecstasy
One night in Bangkok and the tough guys tumble
Can't be too careful with your company
I can feel the devil walking next to me

[THE AMERICAN]
Siam's gonna be the witness
To the ultimate test of cerebral fitness
This grips me more than would a
Muddy old river or reclining Buddha

And thank God I'm only watching the game -- controlling it --

I don't see you guys rating
The kind of mate I'm contemplating
I'd let you watch, I would invite you
But the queens we use would not excite you

So you better go back to your bars, your temples, your massage
parlours --

[COMPANY]
One night in Bangkok and the world's your oyster
The bars are temples but the pearls ain't free
You'll find a god in every golden cloister
A little flesh, a little history
I can feel an angel sliding up to me

One night in Bangkok makes a hard man humble
Not much between despair and ecstasy
One night in Bangkok and the tough guys tumble
Can't be too careful with your company
I can feel the devil walking next to me

Quote of the Day

The writer is the only absolutely essential element of Hollywood, and he must never find out.
-Irving G. Thalberg

2007/08/01

When Trailer Trash Gets a Home Loan





Quote of the Day

Oily: Mate in 143 moves.
Fatbot: Oh, poo. You win again.
-Futurama

Song of the Day: "You're Standing in the Bright Lights"

I remember the first time I saw this video and thinking, "Some 16 year old girl with cornrows, this just can't be good." And then the band started playing hard, bluesy rock, which was not at all what I was expecting. Then she opened her mouth -- wow, she's got pipes. Doesn't hurt that her album was produced by Slash, either.



Between the lines I get it, all ready when you spoke to me last night,
Don't think I don't know what's goin on here, be sure I didn't come to steal your life.

You leave before midnight, you're standing in the bright lights,
Don't be afraid, don't be afraid to come back to me.
You leave before midnight, you're standing in the back lights,
Don't be afraid, hey, don't be afraid to come back to me, yeah.

And in disguise I'll come to you, darling tonight, you will walk outside your door,
Don't be surprised if I told you, I'm not as strong as you were told.

You leave before midnight, you're standing in the bright lights,
Don't be afraid, don't be afraid to come back to me.
You leave before midnight, you're standing in the bright lights,
Don't be afraid, hey, don't be afraid to come back to me.

Coz no-one's gonna know if you stay or if you go,
If you do or if you don't, at least you won't be long, it won't be long.
No-one's gonna know if you stay or if you go,
If you do or if you don't, at least you won't be long, it won't be long.

Yeah, woah, woah, yeah, don't be afraid to come back to me, yeah,
Woah, woah, yeah, don't be afraid to come back to me, yeah,
Woah, yeah, yeah, don't be afraid to come back to me.
(Leave before midnight, standing in the back lights),
Oh yeah, don't be afraid to come back to me, yeah.

How Not to Conduct an Interview



I love the bit at the end when she says they're on NBC instead of ABC and you can hear the producer scream. Good times. Good times.

The Perils of Asking for a Raise

And I thought I've had some bad bosses.

Rolandas Milinavicius, 38, a native of the eastern European nation of Lithuania, is charged in the shooting deaths of Inga Contreras, 25, and Martynas Simokaitis, 28, both also from Lithuania, authorities said. Police said he shot the two Thursday after they kept asking for more pay.


Take home lesson: Don't work for crazy Lithuanian car dealers.

Slower, and with More Intensity

What happens when a Suit tries to direct DeNiro in a commercial? Well, it looks like something out of Entourage, only without the sex.